when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.