Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
It do be feeling this way.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy