If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You Might Also Like
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.