Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The sacred texts.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept