Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.