When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.