we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
When I laugh on my period
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Happy Halloween 🎃
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics