Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.