Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Why font matters.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
this is the best day of my life
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.