My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*