My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*