doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards