If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
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Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17