I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
You Might Also Like
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
i smell a pulitzer
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg