me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’d hang this in my house.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
☠️☠️☠️