Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
You Might Also Like
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.