One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
OH. COME. ON.
Mhm.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
#Thanos #MondayMood
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich