Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Thursday
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire