SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Geez man, take it easy.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
This guy gets it.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out