People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
peeping toms
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
All generalizations are stupid.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach