me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
no refunds
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief