Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place