Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.