[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow