Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I am, perchance
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”