They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
shit just got real
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
gentlemen, hear me out
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not