What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
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The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.