*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball