me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second