Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Pot warmers of the day.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.