How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
🤣🤣💀
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.