I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
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[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Would you wear it?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.