Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.