A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Only Americans understand
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar