I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours