My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
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Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
maybe if millennials didn鈥檛 buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you鈥檙e getting pee on my shoes.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine鈥檚 Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
#oldknees
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I鈥檓 just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.