it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Woke up against my better judgment again
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.