My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.