[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please