Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop