“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Gemma Correll
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed