Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
You Might Also Like
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.