*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer