Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
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Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All generalizations are stupid.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again