Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination