me when i see my girls butt
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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
me, after any kind of buffet.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”