Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Good morning!