What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Hero horse inspires millions
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
i will not be silenced
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”