A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My work here is done
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.