[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy